It puts too much pressure on a couple to have a somewhat routine existence drained of spontaneity and playfulness and then expect sparks in the bedroom.My hunch—from a distance, of course—is that your wife feels something is missing and wants to go outside the relationship to find it. What is she not finding between the two of you that she needs to take such an emotional risk of bringing another partner into it? Sex involves desires that are unconscious, and the latter is always a wild card (which is part of sexuality’s exciting appeal).Is there a part of she wants to let out but is afraid?(Not to be cynical, but I almost wondered when I read your letter if she already had someone in mind.) You might want to have a serious talk with your wife or even seek some couples counseling to help her understand how unhappy this idea is making you, and how rattled and bewildered you are in light of it.He works in a variety of modalities, primarily cognitive behavioral, spiritual/recovery-based, and psychodynamic.
Is this request for openness a round-about way of expressing dissatisfaction?
I think you owe it to yourself, and the marriage, to do all you can to try and seek together, rather than separately, a solution or compromise that allows you both to find satisfaction; you have that rare successful marriage that has endured for many years, and that is definitely worth protecting.
It would be tragic for it to slip away due to lack of understanding or withheld feelings or desires. Best, Darren Darren Haber, Psy D, MFT is a psychotherapist specializing in treating alcoholism and drug addiction as well as co-occurring issues such as anxiety, depression, relationship concerns, secondary addictions (especially sex addiction), and trauma (both single-incident and repetitive).
She says the idea would be to just "spice things up" and "keep things fresh" and that she thinks it could ultimately bring us closer together.
We have a great sex life, which I think she would agree with. I feel like my options are: (1) refuse to play along and hope she can respect that and stay happy and faithful; (2) pursue a divorce; (3) allow her to play outside the marriage while I stay true; or (4) both of us try it and hope for the best. I think I would find it humiliating to tell another person about this, and it might not even help anyway.